The Stories That Keep Us Stuck

Know your current story to help you write a new one.

My 13 year old son runs track competitively. Saturday morning, after practice, he excitedly leapt into the car.

“Mom, I’ve got great news.”

I expected him to share a new Personal Best…

“I made a mistake!”

He was so happy.

And I was so confused.

Never in my life have excitement and error co-existed.

Let’s be clear, failure is my “F” word. I do my best to steer clear of mistakes.

My son discovered he’d been starting off the blocks wrong — he now knew to shift his center of gravity and use more power to push off the block with his other leg.

The error had been costing him milliseconds and was a view to an improved PB.

He clearly has a very different story around failure and mistakes than his mother.

This article is about the stories we tell ourselves. Like stories about mistakes and failures. What follows below are stories told by the Earlier Version of Me and by many of my clients about what’s possible — or not possible for her. Each of the seven stories outlined below holds a (conflicting) agenda.

What’s helpful about knowing our stories is that we can start to create some distance from them. When we do, we can examine them for truth and/or begin to shift out of them to write a new story. My hope is that these stories may illuminate your version of them.

Here goes.

The Slippery Story (of Not Enough)

The Earlier Version of Me (EVOM) loves her work and she easily chooses work over other activities. She’s often preoccupied with her to do list and never feels like she’s doing enough.

Ironically, because she loves her work, it’s what she also does to relax. Stopping work is hard. This gives rise to exhaustion, discouragement and ultimately, if she doesn’t feel she’s making enough progress or is always “behind” shame can set in.

It’s a slippery story because “I’m not doing enough” can give rise to feelings of inadequacy and feelings that she is not enough. Over time, it’s no longer just about the work, it’s about her eroding her sense of self.

The Royal (Fuck Up) Story

This is a story of failure and failing. If your head says things like: “This isn’t going to work.” and endlessly revisits decisions and choices points. “Are you sure? What about “x”? this story may be familiar terrain.

The Earlier Version of me is scared of fucking up royally; basically failure only comes in one size — extra large, and qualitatively her fail will be exceptional and forever noted. Doubt and shame are two other emotions a part of this story.

With this story, a woman may struggle with “testing” things; mistakes are not grounds to learn. In her imagined theatre she’ll be laughed at and perceived as incompetent. Her goal is not to please you, it’s to make an impression and for her work to be received flawlessly.

The You-Don’t-Fit-In Story

This is an old story the Earlier Version of Me learned from young and it follows her to this day. She’s used to doing things on her own, so if she gets any hint of not being liked she’ll recoil.

In her heart she longs to be accepted for who she is. She just wants to be liked by you. Some days she’s embarrassed about this, other days a little insecure.

This story keeps her from truly knowing her place/ space in business. She’s a lone wolf so doesn’t “need” people, yet she doesn’t truly want to live this way. It can make collaboration tricky, and she’s haunted by a craving for her work (and for herself) to be liked. The lines of work and self are blurry, and it gets personal, fast.

The Make All The People Happy Story

The EVOM wants everyone to be happy. She’s easily distracted if she thinks she may have put you off (and will mull over this endlessly). If she believes this is the case she’ll work to restore or improve or help you with anything that will make you content. And then she’s happy again.

Over time, with all the human agendas she’s looking to fulfill, she finds feelings of frustration, impatience and ultimately resentment creep in. This doesn’t stop her from trying to satisfy all; it’s just done with a feigned smile.

This story slows action taking, thinking about what is important to her isn’t habitual. This story creates a lot of mental noise asking her to constantly re-evaluate if what she’ll do (or did) will make you happy.

The Story of Too Damn Tired (TDT)

The EVOM has a lot of energy, yet she’s had seasons of exhaustion, so in her head she regularly inquires “Do I have the energy for this?” and evaluates relationships saying: “Such and such a person is so much work.”

This story is one that has very personal impacts; it’s hard to experience seasons of burnout, and then to keep on pushing your limits. She’s often reluctant to expend effort, is easily overwhelmed and wonders: “What’s wrong with me?”

Doing The Work is based on a very linear equation; if she doesn’t see a pathway to immediate results she may not remain committed. It’s a transactional, short term thinking story, where energy is scarce so efforts need to be managed closely.

The More is Better Story

The EVOM places a huge premium on massive action taking. When she imagines new things, she imagines big things, creates an ultra complex plan and expects big things of herself.

Her “go big or go home” story starts with bursts of energy which soon fizzle. This is discouraging and she wonders why she can’t see it through. She becomes overwhelmed with the big thing she’s imagining and has to “push through” and fight with her own resistance to keep on.

This story has her on an endless quest for what really motivates her because (increasingly) she’s uncertain if she’ll find the energy to create big success. It’s a story that is lonely, as she sits at home trying to build the big business she just told everyone about…

The Behave Yourself Story

This is the Be a Good Girl Story — do as you’re told, be responsible, make a good impression, don’t swear, do “good” work but don’t talk about what you’re doing, be quiet, be humble, be a good role model…

This story keeps her small and contained. She’s often embarrassed if she’s been “too much” and revisits interactions in her head hoping she didn’t step out of line.

This story keeps her from “asking for the sale”, promoting and sharing her work, and showing up too big or too bold. She knows she doesn’t need to adhere to her old story, but the layers of social conditioning run deep.

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So many stories! And as you can imagine, where things get spicy is when all the stories run concurrently. Our stories not only play out in our minds, but also in our bodies and hearts.

It’s been a very interesting process to write about these stories. They do kick in from time to time, however, what has changed is my ability to see them and shift out of them more quickly and compassionately.

Seeing our stories is not only a powerful way to be able to move into the “authorship” of our lives, it’s also key to validating and valuing ourselves, which, when we do, means we’ve been our own kind friend first.

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I’m very curious if you have a collection of stories of your own! I hope you’ll share one or two of them below. Bringing stories into the light, where they can be seen is a powerful and bold move. If you’d like to share in a safer space, I invite you to join me for a coaching experience — simply book in here: www.theenergyoasis.com/clarity where we can spend some time imagining the new story you want to write for yourself.